A little more than you wanted to know....

Things may not be as they seem….

“His fire is out”

Inspired by a true story…

I wish no one to read this obituary under a misapprehension. There will be very little information of any consequence. As to the truth? Of that you will have to judge for yourself.

Nobody should be remembered for the worst thing he ever did. Nobody should be remembered for the best thing he ever did, either. What will we remember about James?

First, remember that he was just another hemoglobular flesh vessel, much like the rest of us. His first words were not “The future is waiting for us — let’s go invent it” but that was his first thought.

He loved to travel. A passport was a starting point. Most summers he took a road trip or two. He recently took what is likely to be his last trip, to somewhere over the boundless chasm into the great void beyond to be reunited with his Lord and Savior, Bejeezus Lou Al Cinder and his Band of Renown. In other words, The Grim Reaper came calling for James L. Duhaime, known to some as DJ JD Funk Soul Brother. This time when he knocked, James opened the door. While taking his last breath to buy the farm where he would kick the bucket, James croaked, did not pass Go, did not collect $200. He is now taking his dirt map, sleeping with the fishes six feet under. The cause of death is officially listed as “probably terrestrial.”

A rattlesnake bit James once. It died two days later. He made it into a necktie.

Lacking brains, charm and good looks, he would be the first to admit he got by largely on muscle, guts and luck. That and what he learned from the mistakes made by people who took his advice.

Cat psychic, master chef, voice of an angel — what more can be said about this remarkable man?

James will mostly be remembered as a lying, cheating, thieving old bastard who could never be trusted. Was he an expert? He was mostly an expert dabbler.

James was a smooth pimped out player from the streets who knew how to get his. He attended Harvey Mudd College (graduating summa cum lowly). One of his proudest accomplishments was preventing the Y2K bug from destroying civilization as we know it. That and creating Pi day. You’re welcome, world.

He loved puzzles and math and attempting challenges great and small. Yes, he ran many marathons and ultras and some open water swims. And once he even divided by zero!

For a time he worked as a professional chef. This led to his appointment as Senior Administrator of the NASA Space Chef Program.

There is no truth to the rumor that the Temptations’ song “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” was based on James. Any similarities are strictly coincidental.

He loved watching people, movies and clouds. And aspired to live life like there was no tomorrow, because eventually there isn’t. He loved the Tour de France. “Life is like the Tour de France. You wait and it flashes past you. You have to catch it while you can.” He advises any and all who read this to go catch it.

Among his inventions was the banana “hand.” Until then bananas grew on stalks as individual fingers. You’re welcome again, world.

He lived much of his life responding to the murmuration of voices calling him in different directions, different interests and impulses. One constant, though, was his love for his family, from his parents to his children.

There is some debate as to his dying words. Some heard “I want my lawyer” while others swear he said “I was born ready.” Regardless, he’s somebody else’s problem now.

Among the lessons James shared was that friends help friends. Good friends help friends move. Really good friends help friends move bodies. James could be a really good friend.

While he was not especially large, he aspired to contain multitudes.

This obit is completely true. James was thoughtful enough to write it himself without embellishment.

Some of James’s favorite things included summer, several songs, It’s a Wonderful Life, kites, hammocks, true facts, numbers, and jokes—practical or otherwise.

James is survived by two ex-wives; three truly remarkable children— Harrison (Sienna); Haley, and Hope; a devoted sister Sally (David); and a fantastic niece Tara (with two amazing daughters! Gabriella and Zianna).

It took a number of years — decades really — but eventually James learned the difference between a “human doing” and a “human being” and accepted that “being” was not a defeat — even if he wasn’t happy about it. Instead, being at peace with being calm can be every bit as important to one’s satisfaction and happiness as “doing” things. On the other hand, he also advised not to put off doing things when you have then chance — there is no guarantee that the opportunity will come again.

Second to last thing: James was not jealous by nature but he is jealous of one thing: He is dead while all of you go on living. Don’t waste your time.

Key aphorisms

Ignorance is bliss.

The perfect is the enemy of the good.

The only real failure is the failure to try.

You can do anything you want; you just can’t do everything you want.

Natus sum paratus.

Life doesn’t happen inside four walls.

You can’t have the hop if you don’t have the hip. (Thanks, Coolio

James used to quip that “carpe diem” means “fish of the day.” He never joked about carpe vitam.

The future— it will be here before you know it

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. -Roald Dahl

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Theodore Geisel

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life” — Charles Darwin

“You waste years by not being able to waste hours” — Amos Tversky

How lovely this life was.

The future is yours now. Which is a lot like James’s last words: “Excuse me, but I have a cloud to catch. The future is waiting for me!”

Carp net I seem to have lost the end of, all twisted up (4, 2, 5).

Last thing. Goodbye cruel world. He wanted to stay but had promises to keep. He’s gone his miles, it’s time for sleep.

ad astra et ultra

;-)

If you like this story feel free to write your own. Suggestions might be found at thisisnotaclue.com/obit

Finally, a joke: a panda bear, an aardvark and an alligator walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What‘ll you have, gents?” The panda says “